I need to learn to speak salad

I am like Dr Doolittle...except that animals don't talk to me, food does. It is a really great skill to have....

IF YOU WANNA BE REALLY FAT

Funnily enough, vegetables are pretty quiet on the talking front. They don't have much to say at all. Fruit not so much either. Actually it seems I can only speak lardy fat junk food language. Oh yes, sweet talking junk food. Calling to me.... enticing me..... trying to seduce me....

Chocolate mousse in the fridge:

"Ooohhhhhh Rachelle *think sexy french accent here* Rachelle...ma belle...ma petit chou....com over ere and open ze freej......
Are you hongrey? Hmmmmmmmm??? You know you want a leetle nibble....don't you??? Jusssst one leetle bite?"

Biscuits in the cupboard:

"You hoo *posh English accent* sweetie dahling!....fancy a tincy wincy little bikkie? Over here...in the pantry....come on lovie....just a itsy bit?"
Left over BBQ'd sausages in fridge:

"Awright darlin' *cockeney geezer* ow's about a larvly sausage or two? Goworn ya know ya wannoo"....
And so on....

It gets very difficult to ignore. And those are just the polite ones. The big bar of chocolate that remains unopened since February is beginning to scream my name, the leftover chocolate easter eggs are noisier than my children (and they are LOUD) and the bags of nuts...... well you can imagine....filthy language....All screaming at me and yelling:

"Eat me....Eeeaattt Meeeeee....EAT ME!"

Just downright rude.

Time for a cupboard/fridge/pantry clear out methinks. And NOT directly into my gob. Perhaps it is time to line the shelves with wholesome good for me food that will whisper healthy sweet nothings in my ear instead.

I am the walrus

You know that flabby bit of stomach below the bellybutton that sort of hangs down when someone is overweight? I call it the Walrus because that is what it reminds me of.  (If you have no idea what I am talking about then you must be svelte and walrus free...long may it last for you my friend).

Anyway...I have one of these monstrosities. My walrus is the same age as my eldest son (nearly 7) and when I was pregnant it started to droop below my nice, tight, round bun-in-the-oven belly. Luckily as my belly got bigger I couldn't see it anymore, but to my horror, it was still there after my son was born. In fact it had grown through my pregnancy and the bit above had turned into a sort of deflated bouncy castle, complete with tripey, groovy (although not in the cool 60's sense of the word) stretchmarks.

Pregnancy and childbirth and raising children are wonderful things and I am truly blessed....but man....my stomach will never be the same. The trouble is I have been using pregnancy, and all that follows as an excuse to be overweight. My youngest is now nearly 4, and really it is high time I stopped playing the "recently gave birth" card.

Yes I am the only one falling for it.

So, fair enough, I piled on the kilos when pregnant, and yes I piled on some more just surviving endless months of sleep deprivation. But the reason for that was because I ate too much and exercised too little. I have nobody or nothing else to blame. I can't really do much about the stretchmarks or even the excess skin but I can stop using it as an excuse to justify why diets don't work. The walrus must go. And that is it.

Coo coo ca choo.

I have a problem with my weight

I have a problem with my weight. Not in a 12 step programme "My name is Rachel and I have a problem with my weight" kind of problem with my weight.... Well actually that too, but I mean I have a problem with weighing myself. I have an old (analogue? -non digital anyway) bathroom scales. Now I am getting old, it is really difficult to see the dial and I have to bend forward to try and read the number (optician anyone....?) and if I bend forward to try and read where the line is, it wobbles and then I wobble and then it wobbles more and ...well you get the picture, it isn't very accurate.

I also weigh myself on the Wii Fit, which btw I hate and every time it talks to me I want to punch it in the face. The Wii Fit thinks I am 5lbs heavier (#%**&!) than my trusty old bathroom scales that I am too blind to read, so naturally I have been logging my weight and weight loss on WW according to the bathroom scales.

Yesterday I decided to buy myself a new scales, digital with nice big numbers, and because I am a glutton for punishment it also tells me how fat I am and how muscular (or rather unmuscular) and whether I have drunk enough water ...etc. (How in the world it can actually tell all of this, I will never know but at least it doesn't say "ouch" when I step on it....little @#*&*!).

So I was really quite excited to get my brand spanking new scales home and weigh myself and see the enormous blue digital numbers plain and clear. Yes I know I need to get a life, but anyway. According to the instructions, the scales need to be placed on a flat, level floor. Well, do you think I can find one of those in my house? The answer is a big frustrating NO.

The bathrooms (yes plural, because I am posh) tilt towards a drain (and btw why can't the sinks and baths just have overflows and the floors just be flat?....just sayin'). Whoever did the tiling (Bodge It and Fix it & co) obviously didn't feel like using a spirit level either. The lounge and dining room have wooden floors that again haven't seen a spirit level a day in their life. The kitchen has these stone block things that are all over the place in terms of heights and the rest of the house is carpeted.

Anyway it turns out because of this wibbly wobbly floor problem the scales can't make up their mind from one minute to the next. So I did about 10 weighs in different locations of the house and finally found a place where they were consistent and guess what? Yes...the new scales agree with the Wii Fit. (Shusshn frusshn russhn rick rastadly) I think it is a conspiracy between electronic goods. But anyway, as I am going for consistency I want to keep using the new scales for my WW weigh in but my dilemma is: Do I enter my weight higher this week which would be the honest thing and be starting afresh, but completely soul destroying to see the graph go up, or do I just enter it the same until I lose enough to catch up with what is on there at the moment, and have a flat line for a couple of weeks?

Answers on a postcard please x